How to Wean a Co-Sleeping Baby From Your Bed

Co-sleeping is a wonderful, beneficial bonding experience for new babies and parents. But all good things must come to an end, and eventually it will be time for your child to learn to sleep in his own bed. Weaning is a gradual process of graduating from one developmental stage to another. If it is forced or rushed, the child may regress, or have difficulty moving on to the next stage. Using these tips will help make the transition go as smoothly and naturally as possible.

Instructions

1

First, know that there is no set age or time when a child must leave the family bed for his own. Co-sleeping can be just as beneficial for small children as it is for infants, and only you can decide when it is no longer working for your family. It is completely at your discretion.

Children need to learn that sleep is a positive and secure experience, not a scary or lonely one. A newborn does not even realize that Mom is a separate person until at least 3 months old. Until 9 months old, they don't yet understand the concept of "object permanence": that something (including you) still exists even when they can no longer see it. Crying is baby's way of communicating their needs, so listen and respond. Babies are not trying (or able) to manipulate you - they are trying get a need met: food, diaper change, comfort. Never let a baby cry himself to sleep or "cry it out". It creates fear, insecurity, and destroys his trust that his needs will be met. A baby who doesn't cry is not a "good" baby, but one that has given up on trying to communicate, because they've lost confidence that you will respond to their needs. Not a good sign!

2

One major transition at a time. Do not start weaning from your bed while baby is sick, teething, approaching a major milestone (like crawling or walking), or adjusting to a new home, caregiver, schedule, or sibling. Babies need extra reassurance and comfort during these times, so it's best not to mess with their routine until the dust settles.

3

Start with using the crib just for naps. Children should not be left alone on an adult bed once they are old enough to roll (unless the mattress is placed directly on the floor), so the crib is the safest place. Nurse, rock, or wear baby to sleep in a sling. The warmth and rhythm of your body reminds baby of the womb, and helps him relax and make the transition to sleep. When he is in a deep enough sleep, lay him down in a crib (use the "limp wrist" test to see if he is sleeping deeply enough - lift the baby's hand, and if it flops back down with no resistance, the baby is probably deeply asleep). As soon as baby wakes up and cries, go and pick him up. Letting him know that a loving parent will respond to his cries builds trust that his needs will be met, and prevents fear and resistance of the crib or sleeping separately from you.

4

Do not leave baby to cry in the crib. Look at it from her perspective: a dark room, a cold mattress, bars all around her, and mommy is nowhere in sight. She cries, and no one responds to comfort and reassure her. How is this supposed to teach her to relax and welcome sleep as a pleasure, rather than a scary and lonely experience? All sleep-training advice books aside, go with your maternal instincts on this one.

5

If baby wakes the moment she touches the crib mattress, try minimizing the "shock value" putting a warm blanket under her (it may be the cold that's waking her). Try to make her mattress feel and smell the same as your bed, so she doesn't automatically know the difference in her sleep. Create an atmosphere for sleep by darkening the window, turning on a fan or air purifier for white noise, and maybe playing a lullaby CD.

6

Once baby is comfortable with the crib for naps, start placing him in the crib for the first part of the night (great time for romance, if you were wondering...lol). When baby wakes for his first middle-of-the-night feeding, bring him to bed and nurse him there so you both can go back to sleep.

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Later, when you only have one or two nighttime feedings, you can transition to nursing baby in a rocking chair in her bedroom (this requires you to stay awake long enough to finish the feeding, make sure baby is deeply asleep, and lay her back in the crib). If she wakes repeatedly (teething is notorious for this), it's OK to finally just bring her back to bed with you, and attempt it again at a later time.

8

For children older than a year, it's OK to start teaching them to stay in bed, if they wake immediately after you set them down. When he stands up in the crib, gently lay him back down while holding his hand or rubbing his back. You want to reassure him that the crib is a safe place, and you're not going anywhere until he's completely comfortable with it. This will probably be a battle of wills (and if it's the first time, a long one), so be prepared to gently hold your ground. Eventually your exhausted baby will stay laying down and hold your hand until he falls asleep, understanding that you are not abandoning him. (Note: If he keeps crying, check to make sure there isn't another reason, like a wet diaper, hunger, thirst, or tooth trying to break through).

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Later, you can begin simply standing by the crib, instead of holding baby's hand. Then you can try sitting in a chair in the room where she can see you (great time to read that book you've been trying to get to). She knows you're not abandoning her, but this is time to sleep. If she keeps standing up, lay her gently on her back, and go back to your chair. Eventually she will understand that you're not going to pick her up. You'll just continue to make her lie down. Again, if she cries for an unusually long period of time, check for a wet diaper or other reason she may be distracted from sleep.

10

Eventually you will be able to leave baby in the crib, kiss him goodnight, and walk away without any crying. He has come to understand that the crib is a safe place, sleep is not a lonely or scary experience, and you are right there to meet his needs if he cries.

11

There are many of you who have read this far and think, "This takes way too long. There's GOT to be a faster way!" You're right, there ARE faster ways. But faster is not always better when it comes to our children's needs. We're a "microwave" society, used to flipping a switch and getting instant gratification. Our children don't work that way. Leaving a child to cry for hours or forcing them in to a step that they are not ready for only creates insecurity and distrust, and breaks communication between parent and child. Our job as parents is to listen and respond to our child's cues, respond to their needs, and instruct them as they are ready to learn.